


Crush Me

by Shadow15



Category: Gintama
Genre: Flashbacks, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:34:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow15/pseuds/Shadow15
Summary: Hijikata hadn't expected much when Yamazaki hadn't come back to the barracks with his report. It wasn't unusual for Yamazaki to slack off work, and more than likely, he was off playing badminton somewhere, or on another anpan high.But when Hijikata finds him, still in the observation house, he can't help but wish it was another anpan high or minton playing.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Yamazaki Sagaru
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

Yamazaki wasn’t supposed to be leaving his post. If Hijikata knew that he tended to wander off for  _ anpan _ of all things - even if the target was inactive for a period of time - Hijikata would surely make him commit seppuku. 

But still, Yamazaki tended to wander, and he should have known it would only get him into trouble. 

Yamazaki swallowed thickly when he realised he realised he was being followed. He didn’t look back, or give any other sign that he knew there was a group behind him. Instead, he kept his head forward and tried to find somewhere he would be able to contact the Shinsengumi for help. But before he could even begin trying to think of the safest place for him to go to, he was yanked into an alley he had just passed by, with one hand over his mouth to stop him from calling for help. 

“Shinsengumi dog.” 

Yamazaki squeezed his eyes shut tight at the hot breath that billowed against his ear. He tried to get away from whoever had grabbed him, but a strong arm wrapped around him and kept his own arms pinned to his side. He scrambled desperately for his sword, but he had left it in the observation house. He couldn’t help but whimper as he realised just how vulnerable he was. 

Yamazaki struggled, wanting desperately to seek his Vice-Commander’s protection, but he couldn’t escape; he was only restrained harder until someone hissed into his ear, “Go back to your observation house, Bakufu mutt. You try to run away, or call for help, and you’ll regret it.” 

Yamazaki knew there was nothing he could do except obey. If he were to try and resist here and now, he didn’t have a chance - not against the numerous armed men surrounding him. At least if he were to obey, he could come up with a plan on the way back to the observation house. 

But alas, no matter how hard Yamazaki plotted, he couldn’t come up with anything. By the time he had unlocked the door to the observation house and stepped inside, he couldn’t even get to his own sword before he had been rushed at and slammed into a wall. 

Yamazaki whimpered. “S-stop! What do you want from me?!” 

It was definitely Jouishishi terrorists who had followed Yamazaki into the observation house. Yamazaki could tell by the swords at their sides, and their aggressive nature that made him fear for his life. 

“We want all the info you can give us,” one of the men hissed. 

Yamazaki growled. He dared give a defiant look, trying to pretend he wasn’t so afraid. “I’m not telling you anything! You’ll have to kill me! I’d rather die than betray the Shinsegumi’s trust in me!” 

“Oh, we have ways to make you talk.” Someone reached out from the side and grabbed Yamazaki’s chin. Yamazaki tried to pull his chin away, but he couldn’t. He locked eyes with malicious intent. The smile the man directed at him sent shivers down his spine. “You’re lucky you’re a cute one. Don’t worry, sweetheart; the faster you talk, the sooner it’ll end.” 

“What are you -” Yamazaki yelped as he was thrown onto his futon. He made a mad dash for his sword, resting just by his side, but the Jouishishi were too fast for him; they flanked him, pinning him down onto the futon and tearing his hakama from his hips. He squealed. “Hey - no -  _ stop _ !” 

Someone took hold of his cheeks and squeezed. There was taunting in their voice, and Yamazaki felt so incredibly sick. “Then tell us where we can find Hijikata and Kondo right now, and we might let you go.” 

Yamazaki shook his head. He tried his best to put his brave face back on, but he knew it was faltering. “I won’t! I won’t tell you a thing!” 

“Well, then…" Somebody from the group laughed. “I hope you’re a masochist. It’ll be more fun for you that way.” 

And with that, Yamazaki screamed louder than he’d ever screamed before at the sudden pain that split his body in two. 

***

Yamazaki couldn’t scream anymore. His throat was too scratched up, and he couldn’t stop coughing up a mixture of blood, sputum and semen. He was sure his jaw had been broken or, at the very least, dislocated from the constant abuse he had been put through, because the tiniest movement sent an ache through his face, and his head throbbed furiously in response. 

Yamazaki lay uselessly on his futon. He could barely keep his eyes open as he regarded the myriad of men in the room with him. His body was coated in sweat, blood, and semen. He didn’t think he’d ever hurt so much in his life before. 

“Just tell us something -  _ anything _ ~ and we’ll think about stopping,” one of the men cooed as he knelt down beside the futon to ruffle Yamazaki’s damp hair. “Else we’ll just fuck you over and over again.” 

Yamazaki shook his head. His voice was hoarse as he forced out, “No… Won’t say… anything…” 

“Is it your fantasy to be raped?” Yamazaki winced when he felt the blade embedded through his palm, pin into the hardwood floor and be pushed around none-too-gently. “Because we can do a lot worse. We can do this all night, and no one will come for you. No one will even  _ think _ to check on you. We have  _ all the time in the world  _ to play with you, sweetheart.” 

But still, all Yamazaki could do was shake his head and whimper, “I won’t sell them out… You’ll have to kill me…” 

The room burst into laughter. Yamazaki grimaced fearfully when someone cupped his face with mock tenderness. “Sweetheart… By the time we’re done with you… You’ll only  _ wish  _ we had killed you.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter has been beta'd and slightly revised. Nothing of significance has changed except for some added/changed dialogue. But do feel free to go back and re-read if you wish.

Hijikata couldn’t help but feel his cheek twitch in agitation as he opened the safehouse's shoji. Yamazaki was normally very prompt on giving his reports once his mission was over, but every now and then, he succumbed to what Hijikata was starting to call  _ anpan-phrenia,  _ where he lost his mind and had no idea what was going on anymore. 

Hijikata clicked his tongue in annoyance. If it were another one of his stupid phases, Hijikata was going to have to add in to the Shinsengumi’s regulations that anpan was banned indefinitely, and anyone caught still eating it would have to commit seppuku. 

“Oi, Yamazaki!” Hijikata dropped his umbrella in the entrance hall and kicked his boots off. His nose crinkled at the horrible stench wafting through the room. He’d have to add another regulation that all officers were to shower daily, no exceptions, or commit seppuku. “Where the hell is my report?! Been waiting a fuckin’ week for you to get back to the barracks and you haven’t even - Yamazaki?” 

Hijikata raised his hand to his mouth as he realised now what the stench was. He’d seen and smelt a lot in his line of duty, but still, he couldn’t help but dry-retch. 

This was not one of his subordinate's anpan phases. 

Hijikata doubted he was even still  _ alive _ . Yamazaki certainly wasn’t moving. With both his hands impaled and pinned to the tatami mat, and his ankles chained and spread apart, Hijikata didn’t have to notice the blood that coated almost every inch of his skin to know that he’d been attacked.

“Zaki!” Hijikata ran forward. He knelt by Yamazaki’s side and put the back of his hand against his forehead. Yamazaki was freezing cold, and, judging by the drying pool of blood, Hijikata had his suspicions it was due to massive blood loss. Hijikata felt sick at the white fluids he could see mixed in with the blood. He knew what had occurred, and to know that it had happened to one of his men… 

Yamazaki’s eyelids fluttered at the touch on his forehead. He looked at Hijikata through half-lidded eyes, but Hijikata thought Yamazaki wasn’t even lucid. “Won’t tell… Won’t tell… Won’t tell… Please kill me… Please. Please. I want to die…” 

Hijikata felt like he was going to vomit. He didn’t know why he held it back; it would only add to the vomit already spread around the futon that Yamazaki presumably had gagged up over several occasions. 

“Fuck… Fuck fuck fuck.” Hijikata dragged his fingers through his hair as he tried to work out what to do. Yamazaki looked so unwell, so… Like he was about to  _ die,  _ and Hijikata  _ really  _ didn’t want him dying in his arms - not when, if Hijikata had come to check on him sooner, there was a chance that Yamazaki could have been saved. Instead, Hijikata had left Yamazaki on his own for a month, and look what happened… 

Hijikata touched Yamazaki’s shoulder. He pretended he didn’t feel the quiver of fear that ran through his subordinate’s body at the touch. “It’s okay, Zaki. It’s okay. I’m gonna get you some help. I’ll be right back.” 

Hijikata left, and a strange sense of helplessness he wasn’t accustomed to experiencing accompanied him as he shouted at the nearest bystander to call for an ambulance. 

***

Yamazaki struggled to open his eyes. The room was too bright. He felt too tired to find the strength to look around. He was acutely aware of someone next to him, and something wet and cold on his forehead. He whimpered and tried to curl in on himself, but his body hurt too much for him to move. He cried softly, expecting more abuse. 

“Shh, Zaki…” 

Yamazaki whined at the familiar voice from beside him. He tried to force his eyes open, but couldn’t. He couldn’t trust what he was hearing; he’d gone through so much, he was no longer certain of what was real or what was imaginary

“Zaki. Can you look at me?” 

Yamazaki shook his head weakly. He kept his eyes scrunched tightly closed and tried to fight back the urge to vomit. “Won’t tell… Won’t tell…” 

“Zaki, it’s me. It’s Hijikata.”

Yamazaki whined again. “No… Please no more… Please just kill me…” 

“Zaki…” 

Yamazaki couldn’t stop the tears from slipping past his eyelashes and down his cheeks. “Please… I want to die… Please kill me… Please…” 

There was silence from beside Yamazaki for so long, he couldn’t help but think he was yet again imagining things. But finally, whatever had been put on his forehead was removed, and he heard someone get up and leave, sliding a shoji shut behind them. 

And Yamazaki… couldn’t understand why that terrified him more than any of the events he had been put through. 


End file.
